Journey to the Stars
by Lynxnn
Summary: Ashfur makes his journey to Starclan while recalling his death and what lead him there.


In the end nothing mattered anymore, all I had come to love, all I had ever known, was stripped away from me in an instant.

 _My mouth felt dry and cracked from dehydration. I licked my lips, hoping some moisture would soak them. However my tongue was dry and sticky from little saliva. The drought was at its worst in most parts of the territories. Many creeks and stream beds had run dry. Moss had to be collected from the lake itself to allow the elders anything to drink. I walked through the dense woodland alone, left to my own devises. My gray ears flicked as I listened closely to the cacophony of sounds. Birds twittered over head, mice and voles rustled under paw. Wind whispered in the leaves of the trees. My paws padded slowly and leisurely through the undergrowth. I had all the time in the world. Or so I thought._

It was all because of her, that Starclan forsaken she cat. A vixen, a liar, she played me for the fool I was. The fool I am. But still I can feel my heart ache with longing, I urge to drink in her warm scent. The smell of wild and untamable energy. Her green eyes would flick with mischief. I would smile calmly at her. She would lift her dusty orange paw and swat at my nose. I would remain stock still, like a boulder. Her eyes would narrow and she would swat my nose again. I would remain motionless. Her frustration at not getting a reaction out of me would cause her to become irritated. She would prance around me like an exited apprentice, poking and prodding at me.

Then from my utmost patience I would come alive. She would be unprepared, expecting me to not move from her latest strike. I would easily win the fight and pin her down. She would laugh her sweet laugh, that intoxicating laugh. The contagiousness of her energy would fill my limbs and my mind and I would roll away from her, laughing as well.

What I saw between us was love, she saw a close friendship.

Where did I go wrong? When did I lose her?

 _My ears straightened into points. A sound had caught my attention. What was it? I focused my attention on the noise. It sounded like water. But I was no where near the lake. I followed the noise and too my delight I found a stream running freely. I leaned down to quench my thirst in the cool and refreshing waters._

Perhaps we grew apart when I tried to contain her energy. I was jealous of the attention she drew from the other toms. Her fiery spark caught many eyes. But I wanted my eye to be the only one she saw.

But she would not be contained, she would not be controlled. The more I attempted to restrain her the more she lashed out and fought back.

I drove her right back into his waiting embrace.

Squirrelflight. The traitor, the trickster. She knew she was leading me on. Was it all to simply regain her old loves attention again? Of course it was. She had used me so Brambleclaw would want her. He was a fool for ever letting her go. I was a fool for letting her in.

I let her grab and firm hold on my heart and when she left she took my heart with her. When she was gone there was a gaping hole left where my heart once perched.

It was her own fault, what happened after that. If I had my heart I never would have tried to hurt her. But she stole my heart. I am not responsible for my anger!

 _The silky smooth water slips down my throat. I instantly feel rejuvenated. My slow state perks up with each gulp of water. The entire clan had been acting sleepy during the drought. The heat caused heads to droop and attentions to drift. That was why it was the perfect time for the black cat to make her move. She was alert and ready to fight from the rush of adrenaline coursing through her veins._

 _I was distracted by the stream of water. After I finished drinking I sat back against the banks and relaxed in the high point of the sun. Clouds lazily rolled overhead and my eye lids felt heavier with each passing second. I laid down, my gray coat absorbing the warmth of the day. In that moment all my troubles seemed to drift away. But they were only creeping closer and closer._

The fire blazed brighter and brighter in the camp. Cats streamed out of it like a flood, their fear scent was as thick in the air as the smoke. I was following after them, the heat of the scorching inferno could be felt in the very fiber of my being. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw a ginger pelt, frantically running back and forth.

"Squirrelflight!" I shouted, choking slightly on the fog of smoke. She looked up at me, green eyes alight with terror.

"Ashfur!" She called out. I ran over to her, concern consuming me. When I saw her there it all came rushing back, the love and the heart ache. Then I looked passed her. I saw her three kits, huddled together, watching us with pleading expressions. The love left and was replaced with hatred. A burning hatred that was stronger than any fire. They were Brambleclaws kits. Hers and his. I had no place in their life. My own apprentice Lionpaw was their kit. He should have been mine.

"I'm going to help them cross the log from the ledge to get out of the camp. Hold it steady," she instructed. I found my body moving in front of the log, blocking her path. Confusion flitted across her face.

"You took away everything I ever had Squirrelflight. Now you will feel my pain. I will take them away from you." I roared. She didn't understand.

"But...but," she whimpered. Tears streamed down her face. Then, she just stopped crying. "But they aren't my kits," she whispered.

"What?" I demanded. She looked up at me, meeting my gaze evenly. "They aren't mine. They are Leafpool's. I took them in to spare my sister."

"Liar!" I shouted.

"You know I am no liar." she challenged. I looked back at Hollypaw, Jaypaw, and Lionpaw. The realization of their mothers confession was dawning on them. In my distraction they scrambled past me and the group of them fled the camp. I stumbled out after them, blinded by pain and disbelief. I had just tried to murder three Thunderclan cats. What was wrong with me?

 _Before I could think a flash of black fur was in front of me. I opened my mouth to shout and the black cat raised a paw like a flash of lightening. Her claws glinted. She slashed them down across my throat, green eyes flaming with disgust. My blue eyes rolled back into my skull as my head drooped forward. My life blood pooled around me, bathing me in red. I was dead._

 _But I could still feel her as she shoved my body into the stream and cleaned her paws of the evidence of my murder. My body drifted down stream from a ways before entangling itself around reeds. The black cat was long gone, returned to camp. No one knew I was dead._

 _Suddenly I became detached from my body. My spirit drifted out of it, heading towards the stars._

In the end my life had made no difference. I had wasted too much time plotting revenge, waiting to exact it, trying to get over her. In the end I still died at the claws of Hollyleaf, the cat I had tried to murder.

 _Where would I end up? Starclan or the Dark Forest? Was my waste of a life enough to send me to the place of no stars?_

 _"The choice is yours? Where do you think you deserve to end up?" A vocie around me asked although I could not see the cat. I hung my head in shame._

 _"I deserve the Dark Forest," I admitted._

 _"Welcome then," the voice murmured. "To Starclan," I opened my eyes and was surrounded by the glory of Starclan. Shimmering grass waved beneath my paws and the skies were filled with stars._

 _"But why?" I asked with awe._

 _"By admitting your wrong we allow you a second chance. The darkest of the cats always think they deserve better than what they've earned. The humble know when they are wrong." the voice answered._

 _It was then that I fully realized I was wrong. Squirrelflight had never lied to me, I had assumed she felt the same way about me._

 _I had been wrong. And I would always regret how I had spent my life. Maybe in Starclan I would learn to accept what I had done. And maybe they living would learn to forgive me._


End file.
